Proximity.

I’d like to get out of the city for a while, so I don’t have to think about some other woman getting to be with you whenever she wants. And to get away from the thoughts that tell me that I maybe could have done something before, so that I could have been that woman, instead of her. I wonder if she thinks you’re as magnetic and as whole as I do. I wonder if she thinks you are all she has hoped for. I wonder if she loves your eyes. I wonder if she loves and accepts all that you are. No matter how many other men tell me I’m beautiful, or say they have never met anyone like me before, or want to take me out, whatever, and so on and so on, I still think of you, and what you might be doing or thinking. I wonder how you are. I think of what you have been through, and all I want to do is tell you how beautiful I think you are. That you can trust me. You can rest. That you have given my life color, and great music. I try my hardest to be happy for you, but my heart refuses to accept it. The stuff you are made of, what drives you, the things you love, are also the things that drive me, and are the things that I love. This life, the things worth fighting for, feeling for, striving for, we both get it. I can’t put it more eloquently than Emily Bronte, “Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same.” What can I do? I have almost 5,000 likes on a particular dating site, but it means less than nothing to me. It doesn’t change the fact that you are not one of them, and that I feel guilty for even being there. That you are off somewhere laughing and watching Shakespeare with her, hugging her, making her laugh, looking at her the way you’ve looked at me before. It’s all lost. Lost to some distant rosy time that does not exist anymore. You will continue to see me cry, rage, love, spill all that I have out onto the floor in front of you, and you will continue to comfort me, not knowing that you have caused so much of it. You will continue to look at me in that one way I love, that completely melts me, but at the end of the day you will go off to her, and I will be left with all of this. My soul feels sick. I wish I could rip you from my heart like a bandaid an be done with it. 

4:02 am  •  17 July 2014
Attitude of Gratitude #66

Today I’m grateful for Thiago, and energy healing work. I have studied with the amazing Fay Simpson before, and it was quite amazing to go back to study after a year and a half and to then realize how far I have come. And that’s because I did it. I put in the work, and I’m very proud of myself.

I am grateful for Stella Adler, and her amazing books on playwrights. 

1:53 am  •  17 July 2014

Well, love was kind for a time
Now just aches and it makes me blind

This mirror holds my eyes too bright
I can’t see the others in my life

Were we too young? Our heads too strong?
To bear the weight of these lover’s eyes.
‘Cause I feel numb, beneath your tongue
Beneath the curse of these lover’s eyes.

But do not ask the price I paid,
I must live with my quiet rage,
Tame the ghosts in my head,
That run wild and wish me dead.
Should you shake my ash to the wind
Lord, forget all of my sins
Oh, let me die where I lie
Neath the curse of my lover’s eyes.

'Cause there's no drink or drug I've tried
To rid the curse of these lover’s eyes
And I feel numb, beneath your tongue
Your strength just makes me feel less strong

But do not ask the price I paid,
I must live with my quiet rage,
Tame the ghosts in my head,
That run wild and wish me dead.
Should you shake my ash to the wind
Lord, forget all of my sins
Or let me die where I lie
Neath the curse of my lover’s eyes.

And I’ll walk slow, I’ll walk slow
Take my hand, help me on my way.
And I’ll walk slow, I’ll walk slow
Take my hand, I’ll be on my way.

And I’ll walk slow, I’ll walk slow
Take my hand, help me on my way.
And I’ll walk slow, I’ll walk slow
Take my hand, I’ll be on my way.

― 'Lovers Eyes,' Mumford & Sons.
1:15 am  •  16 July 2014  •  1 note

I never knew before that it was possible to literally feel physically sickened with love for someone. To feel such a deep sense of longing for that person that, in your soul, you feel green with nausea. As if that longing would will them to you in some astral projective way. I found this out tonight. I can say, now that the feelings have passed, I don’t believe I have ever loved someone so feverishly before. I have always described, rather intellectually, that love feels like a fever. That loving him, is like breathing in a beautiful fever. It sounds romantic. It’s not. It’s agony.

You are with someone else now. Someone else. 

One day you comforted me as I was crying. You thought that my grief was grief over something entirely different. Little did you know that it was because of you. That you were standing there next to me, comforting me, not knowing the grief caused was caused by you. 

Oh well. 

1:03 am  •  16 July 2014
Attitude of Gratitude #65

I realize I have taken a brief hiatus from Tumblr…to be honest, the past few weeks have a been a little difficult. Perhaps posting these every day instead of worrying about what was going on would’ve helped, but oh well. I’m beginning again now.

Today I am grateful to have gotten an email from the Tennessee Shakespeare Company to audition for their next season, and will be flying to Memphis soon to see them. So that’ll be really great. 

I’m grateful for Stella Adler. What a woman she was. I wish I could’ve known here. 

I’m grateful to get back to these posts. 

12:40 am  •  16 July 2014
Attitude of Gratitude #64

Today I’m grateful to have finished my first shadow drawing in a few years. I love art, and I’m very happy to get back into it. 

I’m grateful for Thomas. 

I’m so amazingly grateful for the weather outside this evening. It felt like October outside. 

3:54 am  •  5 July 2014

All I want in life is happiness, enough money to be free, my friends, art in all its forms, and my own Ser Jorah. That’s all. 

5:17 pm  •  4 July 2014  •  1 note
Attitude of Gratitude #63

Today I’m grateful for all the rain. Honestly. I love rain. 

4:30 am  •  4 July 2014

I choose to love you in silence…
For in silence I find no rejection,

I choose to love you in loneliness…
For in loneliness no one owns you but me,

I choose to adore you from a distance…
For distance will shield me from pain,

I choose to kiss you in the wind…
For the wind is gentler than my lips,

I choose to hold you in my dreams…
For in my dreams, you have no end.

― Rumi  (via thatkindofwoman)

(Source: rumiswisdom)

8:57 pm  •  3 July 2014  •  5,693 notes